What the scale says...

Sunday, February 7, 2010

A sad & emotional day ...

Last year on Feb 8th I got one of the calls that I dreaded for a long time. My heart sank as I heard my mom wailing, panicking and screaming in pain that my grandma had passed away that morning. She was 83 years old, a hell of a woman who lived, worked and raised 3 children on her own during the hardest times in Cuba. Her health had been declining during the last couple of years due to the complications from diabetes. SHe had loss most of her sight, her hearing was failing and so was her frame. While her passing maybe considered as the way we would all want to go as she passed in her sleep in a familiar bed, it was still unexpected and a very emotionally heartbreaking experience for my mom. Till this day she feels like she didn't have the opportunity to say goodbye to her since my mom lives here in the states.
For me this was not only emotionally hard to lose my grandmother but doubly as hard to see my mom in soooo much pain. But the hardest emotion I've had to deal with and am still dealing with is the feeling that I'm slowly losing my roots and my connection to my family's identity. I feel like who I am is being extinguished. I feel like the pictures and the voices of my history are being erased and silenced and am powerless to do anything about it. I guess this is why it's so hard for me to truly allow myself to grieve. At first it was because I wanted to be the strong one for my mom and then it just became that I didn't want to grieve because it would be like admitting that all these things that I was fearing are true.
Even though there are tears in my eyes and in my heart I want to remember Gloria Paneque as the incredible and strong woman that she was. I know that she is with me and that she hears my ramblings to her. I know that she is proud of the strength that she has bred into us and that she is proud of what I am accomplishing and I know that through the thick and thin she will always be with me to guide me through the tough stuff and smile with me in the good times..but most importantly I know that I am loved from inside and from above !! Te quiero Abuela y te extrano mucho !!!

12 comments:

Girl Bandit said...

What a sad anniversary for you all. I am sure she is up there looking down on you all. Take care

Tamara said...

My thoughts are with you today.

Elliana said...

She is the little bird that alights nearby, she is the rain that trickles down your window, and she is the moonlight reflecting on the ocean. May she always be with you in your heart.

Jen said...

That's so sad, I fear those very same things. My thoughts are with you.

THE DASH! said...

Thinking of you today: this is rough.. very hard to deal with. Be strong, girl. xx

Nicole said...

Thinking of you and your family today!

momma2fi said...

Hi Jacque - I'm so sorry to hear that you are heartbroken on this day. I do believe that she is looking down at your from heaven, helping to guide you and helping you make decisions. As far as you losing your heritage, I truly don't believe that you are helpless! You can surround yourself with images that remind you of your heritage, you can take vacations there as often as you can, and you can regularly read books, poetry, and learn about art from your culture. You are not helpless - be proactive to fight to keep it in your life - make it a priority if it is important to you! Your grandmother would certainly approve. Also, give yourself time to realize that you are moving up the 'ranks' so to speak about becoming the matriarch that your grandmother was. You are a strong woman too - and your children and grandchildren will look to you for a source of strength as much as you did with her!
Hope I don't offend you with this message, but I wanted to give you a little pep talk - sounded like you needed it. XO my blogger friend!

Jennifer said...

That was a wonderful tribute to your grandmother. My thoughts are with you today on this sad Anniversary. Take Care.

Shrinking Mommy said...

hey jaq...

i know how hard it is. coming from a similiar culture and growing up in the same area our grandmothers are our lives. mine passed 11 years ago and i still cry -- and i mean cry --- about it. becoming a mom without her here was one of the hardest things i had to go through. and losing weight has been that way too. all she wanted was me to lose weight. she threatened to call oprah on me. she threatened to call richard simmons. but at the same time she loved me with all her heart. if i had just one chance to show her my daughter and the weight loss... i would give up everything i have to do it.

stay strong and you WILL find ways to stay connected to your culture. through your family now and when you are mom. (or you can move back home and REALLY stay connected....lol)....

yours from the miami area...
heidi

Dinnerland said...

Hi, I am so sorry to hear this sad news for you and your mother and your entire family.
My thoughts are with you today...

Tiffani said...

I dread the day my grandmother passes :( We are very close and I'm just going to be a mess. I'm sorry for your loss but you will always be in her heart and her in yours.

Gen said...

So sorry Jacquie, I just saw this. Your grandmother sounds like a wonderful woman, and I know she would be so proud of you.

Post a Comment